Fixing vs. Being With Emotions: Why Acceptance Matters

Oct 15

When a difficult feeling arises — sadness, anxiety, anger, shame — the natural impulse is often, “How do I get rid of this?” Many of us are taught from a young age that emotions are problems to be solved rather than experiences to be felt.

But research in psychology shows that trying to suppress or “fix” emotions can actually intensify distress, while learning to notice and accept emotions often leads to greater resilience, self-understanding, and long-term well-being.

The Urge to “Fix” Emotions

It makes sense that we want to escape pain. Emotional avoidance is a common coping strategy, but studies show that suppression often backfires. Suppressing emotions is linked with increased physiological stress, reduced memory for experiences, and greater emotional intensity later on (Gross & John, 2003).

In the short term, fixing might feel productive — but it often prevents us from listening to what the emotion is signaling.

The Power of Being With Emotions

Being with emotions doesn’t mean wallowing. It means allowing ourselves to experience feelings without judgment, creating space to process them.

Mindfulness research shows that observing emotions without trying to change them is associated with reduced anxiety and depressive symptoms (Keng, Smoski, & Robins, 2011). Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) emphasizes that willingness to experience unpleasant emotions is strongly correlated with psychological flexibility and improved quality of life (Hayes et al., 2006). And studies on acceptance find that this approach reduces the “secondary suffering” — the shame, judgment, and tension that pile on top of the original feeling (Shallcross et al., 2010).

In other words, emotions themselves are often less damaging than the struggle to push them away.

Concrete Methods for Moments of Struggle

If you find yourself wanting to fix, stuff, or stop emotions, here are some research-supported strategies:

1. Name the Emotion
Research shows that labeling emotions reduces their intensity by activating regulatory brain regions (Lieberman et al., 2007). Instead of saying “I can’t feel this,” try “I’m noticing sadness” or “I’m feeling anxious.” Naming creates distance and lowers reactivity.

2. Slow, Intentional Breathing
A simple method is to take slow, even breaths. Studies confirm that paced breathing down-regulates the sympathetic nervous system and reduces anxiety (Sakakibara & Hayano, 1996). Even three slow breaths can give you space before reacting.

3. Ground in the Body
Mindful body awareness helps reduce the urge to escape emotions. Research on mindfulness-based interventions shows that observing body sensations — such as tension in the chest or heaviness in the stomach — allows emotions to pass more quickly (Keng et al., 2011). Try noticing where you feel the emotion in your body, without judgment.

4. Practice “Willingness” Instead of Control
In ACT, willingness means making space for the feeling rather than trying to force it away. Hayes et al. (2006) found that willingness predicts greater psychological flexibility, which is linked to better well-being. Try telling yourself, “It’s okay for this feeling to be here right now.”

5. Reframe the Emotion as Information
Emotions often point to needs or values. For example, anger may highlight a crossed boundary, while sadness may show the importance of connection. Studies on emotion regulation highlight that reframing emotions as meaningful improves resilience (Gross, 2015). Ask yourself: “What might this feeling be telling me about what matters to me?”

Why This Matters in Therapy

In therapy, clients often come in wanting tools to “get rid of” painful feelings. And while strategies for calming the nervous system are valuable, the deeper work is often about learning how to be with emotions in safe, supportive ways.

Therapy provides a space to:

Slow down and notice emotions as they arise.
Explore what feelings are communicating (needs, values, boundaries).
Build resilience by staying present with discomfort in a compassionate way.

Conclusion

Emotions are not problems to fix — they are signals, messengers, and part of being human. By learning to be with them rather than rushing to erase them, we open the door to deeper healing, resilience, and self-understanding.

References

Gross, J. J., & John, O. P. (2003). Individual differences in two emotion regulation processes: Implications for affect, relationships, and well-being. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 85(2), 348–362. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.85.2.348
Gross, J. J. (2015). Emotion regulation: Current status and future prospects. Psychological Inquiry, 26(1), 1–26. https://doi.org/10.1080/1047840X.2014.940781
Hayes, S. C., Luoma, J. B., Bond, F. W., Masuda, A., & Lillis, J. (2006). Acceptance and Commitment Therapy: Model, processes and outcomes. Behaviour Research and Therapy, 44(1), 1–25. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.brat.2005.06.006
Keng, S. L., Smoski, M. J., & Robins, C. J. (2011). Effects of mindfulness on psychological health: A review of empirical studies. Clinical Psychology Review, 31(6), 1041–1056. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.cpr.2011.04.006
Lieberman, M. D., Eisenberger, N. I., Crockett, M. J., Tom, S. M., Pfeifer, J. H., & Way, B. M. (2007). Putting feelings into words: Affect labeling disrupts amygdala activity in response to affective stimuli. Psychological Science, 18(5), 421–428. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1467-9280.2007.01916.x
Sakakibara, M., & Hayano, J. (1996). Effect of slowed respiration on cardiac parasympathetic response to threat. Psychosomatic Medicine, 58(1), 32–37. https://doi.org/10.1097/00006842-199601000-00006
Shallcross, A. J., Troy, A. S., Boland, M., & Mauss, I. B. (2010). Let it be: Accepting negative emotional experiences predicts decreased negative affect and depressive symptoms. Behaviour Research and Therapy, 48(9), 921–929. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.brat.2010.05.025

Jen McNaughton